July 3, 2021
Journal Entry by Heather Ruments — July 3, 2021
Fears. I know that many struggle with them. I have had one on the back burner for almost two weeks now. It is amazing how heavy a back burner fear/burden can be till you address it. This may seem silly, but I have been fearful of looking for things. As most of you know, most of our belongings are in storage, wrapped on pallets and inaccessible. We hadn't originally packed with storage in mind, so when the decision was made to not move to the sweet town home in Winchester, it took re-thinking and re-organizing. This is a big job on its own, but with Steve in the hospital and my time split between him and life outside the hospital, it was crazy trying to think what I may need/want over the next 6 months. I have been unable to find the business notebook I started when Steve was admitted and his vacation fedora. I didn't know if they accidentally got sent to storage or if they were with me. I was fearful to look, seems silly, but if I didn't look, there was the possibility that they were here. If I looked and I didn't find them, then I would have a bunch of backtracking work figuring out all that was in the notebook. If I looked and didn't find it, then I wouldn't have Steve's vacation hat. Silly, but I really wanted that hat at his memorial. He always loved hats. Ball caps from his favorite teams, Life Is Good hats and Christian hats, of course, his vacation fedoras. These fill literally boxes. I told the story in another update of the box we found of ball caps in a box, each wrapped with packing paper, yet dusty from sitting on display. He still cracks me up.
I knew I really needed the notebook, stat. I knew that I needed to find that hat, or I would need to Amazon a new one (not the same, but at least a representation). Time was running out. I keep singing Jireh by Maverick City. "Jireh, You are enough. I will be content in every circumstance." These words keep washing over me and I decided that it was ok if I did not find these things because He is enough, no matter what. I am loved, protected and provided for. I dove into boxes, honestly, many were out anyway because I was looking for pictures for the memorial service and a sweet friend was helping me put them together. I found the notebook almost right away, right on the top, so funny, if I had just taken the next step in faith two weeks ago, I would have had it in my hand all this time. I would have had so much less stress and striving because of the information was right there. Ugh, this school of faith, sometimes I feel like I am acing it and other times like I am barely passing by the skin of my teeth(this is another thing I was pondering yesterday, do teeth have skin? Gross!). Well, with this success under my belt, a few hours later, I decided to just do it. I pulled out all the boxes out of storage, all my fall clothes, Kaiti's college boxes, and then Steve's stuff. When Kristy figured out what I was doing, she left poolside to dive in with me. I had just said out loud, "It can't be in those boxes, it would be mushed." Not a second later she told me that the box was labeled hats. She opened the box that my sweet friends had packed so carefully and she produced all three of his vacation fedoras as well as all his favorite ball caps, team shirts and jerseys. They were there all along. I just needed to seek.
Friends, I was carrying around a burden I didn't need to carry. I was afraid to seek. I was afraid of the answer, so I carried it instead of addressing it. Even if the answer was that these things were in storage, that would have been ok too, because, once we know, we can deal with it and the truth is that Jesus cares about these little details of our lives that are weighing us down and preventing us from moving forward. I put too much importance on the finding of these things instead of on my provider. I didn't even hand those things over to Him to help me walk through. He said to bring Everything to Him, hand it over, surrender it. He said that we were not meant or created to carry burdens, fears, worries, but Jesus was. He carried it all to the cross. We were not meant to keep holding on to the things that He already took for us, if a plumber came for FREE to fix a broken pipe, why would keep the broken and leaking pipe back and live with the damage it causes?
So funny, once I started to step forward, giving my fear to Him and Jesus giving me courage to keep going forward, it was like dominoes. I found the notebook, I found the fedora, I found shirts and hats that I didn't realize were burdening me. I was then encouraged and strengthened by a phone call with the parent company of Steve's franchise, and I also received a phone call from someone (financial), who encouraged me to stay the course, I would be just fine after the next couple months of reclaiming territory lost not only through the pandemic, but also through the last two months of Steve not working his business.
In the book of Joshua, The Lord keeps reminding Joshua to be courageous. Through everything, Joshua trusted, and kept seeking The Lord. It says in Jeremiah 29:13 Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I love the Amplified version here because we need to seek Him as a child with deep longing. In John 6:68 Simon Peter asks Jesus “Lord, to whom shall we go?" There is nowhere else we can go to find peace, courage, faith and everlasting life. Lord, give me a hunger for You, in my every day, nothing else will satisfy, especially through this valley. Only You can give me peace in the chaos, comfort in the pain, and new mercies in the face of loss. Only You Jesus can soothe my weary spirit, in Isaiah 40:31 it says: but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Thank You Lord for lifting us up and giving us strength for another day. You not only give us strength to "get through" the day, but you are abundant in giving us more than what we need or ask for. This is not a journey that I ever wanted to be on, I miss Steve with my every fiber. His quiet sweet ways of loving on us girls, always so thoughtful. We were never much for celebrating created "holidays", but it was the everyday, out of the blue loving gestures that were the threads that wove us all so tightly together. Family vacations, my coffee, notes left for us, his joy in being with us, sweet, small things, that were so very big in our hearts that we miss so much.
We have this hope that Jesus gave us, that this life is but a breath, a whisper, and we will all be together again. This next gathering will be so amazing! No pain, no suffering, no tears, no sinful nature. Total freedom, joy and love. I am so blessed to see glimpses of heaven in many of you. Beautiful messages, cards, provision financially to cover loss of income, worry about Kaiti's college and even being able to help Riley & Adam in their loss of income and his recovery, an amazing arrival of beautiful pictures of our family on canvas (thank you to the unknown angel who sent them!), prayers that keep us going and so many offers to help. We are so thankful. The Lord is holding us and he is also holding us through all of you.
The three of us are fearful of Monday and Tuesday, those are days of reality. We aren't ready. It will be hard and nobody likes hard. At the very same time we Praise God for His Hope and blessed assurance of life everlasting is secured in Jesus. We come together Monday evening to Praise Him, Praise Him for Steve's life and the beauty of Jesus through Steve. We come together to share Steve stories, to mourn and take joy at the same time. We will be singing and worshipping and then time with a microphone if you would like to share. If you don't feel comfortable at the microphone, we will have cards available for you to write. We would be so very blessed to hear and read your stories. There will also be time to share at the luncheon on Tuesday after the service if you feel led. I think I will be wearing Steve's college jersey on Monday and celebratory colors on Tuesday. Steve has graduated, he has run his race for The Lord well. Let us all go forth and run the race The Lord has for us, that is where His presence is. That is where I want to be. Love you all. <3
I knew I really needed the notebook, stat. I knew that I needed to find that hat, or I would need to Amazon a new one (not the same, but at least a representation). Time was running out. I keep singing Jireh by Maverick City. "Jireh, You are enough. I will be content in every circumstance." These words keep washing over me and I decided that it was ok if I did not find these things because He is enough, no matter what. I am loved, protected and provided for. I dove into boxes, honestly, many were out anyway because I was looking for pictures for the memorial service and a sweet friend was helping me put them together. I found the notebook almost right away, right on the top, so funny, if I had just taken the next step in faith two weeks ago, I would have had it in my hand all this time. I would have had so much less stress and striving because of the information was right there. Ugh, this school of faith, sometimes I feel like I am acing it and other times like I am barely passing by the skin of my teeth(this is another thing I was pondering yesterday, do teeth have skin? Gross!). Well, with this success under my belt, a few hours later, I decided to just do it. I pulled out all the boxes out of storage, all my fall clothes, Kaiti's college boxes, and then Steve's stuff. When Kristy figured out what I was doing, she left poolside to dive in with me. I had just said out loud, "It can't be in those boxes, it would be mushed." Not a second later she told me that the box was labeled hats. She opened the box that my sweet friends had packed so carefully and she produced all three of his vacation fedoras as well as all his favorite ball caps, team shirts and jerseys. They were there all along. I just needed to seek.
Friends, I was carrying around a burden I didn't need to carry. I was afraid to seek. I was afraid of the answer, so I carried it instead of addressing it. Even if the answer was that these things were in storage, that would have been ok too, because, once we know, we can deal with it and the truth is that Jesus cares about these little details of our lives that are weighing us down and preventing us from moving forward. I put too much importance on the finding of these things instead of on my provider. I didn't even hand those things over to Him to help me walk through. He said to bring Everything to Him, hand it over, surrender it. He said that we were not meant or created to carry burdens, fears, worries, but Jesus was. He carried it all to the cross. We were not meant to keep holding on to the things that He already took for us, if a plumber came for FREE to fix a broken pipe, why would keep the broken and leaking pipe back and live with the damage it causes?
So funny, once I started to step forward, giving my fear to Him and Jesus giving me courage to keep going forward, it was like dominoes. I found the notebook, I found the fedora, I found shirts and hats that I didn't realize were burdening me. I was then encouraged and strengthened by a phone call with the parent company of Steve's franchise, and I also received a phone call from someone (financial), who encouraged me to stay the course, I would be just fine after the next couple months of reclaiming territory lost not only through the pandemic, but also through the last two months of Steve not working his business.
In the book of Joshua, The Lord keeps reminding Joshua to be courageous. Through everything, Joshua trusted, and kept seeking The Lord. It says in Jeremiah 29:13 Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I love the Amplified version here because we need to seek Him as a child with deep longing. In John 6:68 Simon Peter asks Jesus “Lord, to whom shall we go?" There is nowhere else we can go to find peace, courage, faith and everlasting life. Lord, give me a hunger for You, in my every day, nothing else will satisfy, especially through this valley. Only You can give me peace in the chaos, comfort in the pain, and new mercies in the face of loss. Only You Jesus can soothe my weary spirit, in Isaiah 40:31 it says: but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Thank You Lord for lifting us up and giving us strength for another day. You not only give us strength to "get through" the day, but you are abundant in giving us more than what we need or ask for. This is not a journey that I ever wanted to be on, I miss Steve with my every fiber. His quiet sweet ways of loving on us girls, always so thoughtful. We were never much for celebrating created "holidays", but it was the everyday, out of the blue loving gestures that were the threads that wove us all so tightly together. Family vacations, my coffee, notes left for us, his joy in being with us, sweet, small things, that were so very big in our hearts that we miss so much.
We have this hope that Jesus gave us, that this life is but a breath, a whisper, and we will all be together again. This next gathering will be so amazing! No pain, no suffering, no tears, no sinful nature. Total freedom, joy and love. I am so blessed to see glimpses of heaven in many of you. Beautiful messages, cards, provision financially to cover loss of income, worry about Kaiti's college and even being able to help Riley & Adam in their loss of income and his recovery, an amazing arrival of beautiful pictures of our family on canvas (thank you to the unknown angel who sent them!), prayers that keep us going and so many offers to help. We are so thankful. The Lord is holding us and he is also holding us through all of you.
The three of us are fearful of Monday and Tuesday, those are days of reality. We aren't ready. It will be hard and nobody likes hard. At the very same time we Praise God for His Hope and blessed assurance of life everlasting is secured in Jesus. We come together Monday evening to Praise Him, Praise Him for Steve's life and the beauty of Jesus through Steve. We come together to share Steve stories, to mourn and take joy at the same time. We will be singing and worshipping and then time with a microphone if you would like to share. If you don't feel comfortable at the microphone, we will have cards available for you to write. We would be so very blessed to hear and read your stories. There will also be time to share at the luncheon on Tuesday after the service if you feel led. I think I will be wearing Steve's college jersey on Monday and celebratory colors on Tuesday. Steve has graduated, he has run his race for The Lord well. Let us all go forth and run the race The Lord has for us, that is where His presence is. That is where I want to be. Love you all. <3
Comments
- Sandy SteinThanks for these words of encouragement. You may never know how much the Lord has been using you throughout all this valley you have been walking through, and all the hearts you have ministered too even in the midst of your own pain~ sorrow~ and fear. You are a good and faithful servant, and an awesome witness/instrument for God's glory. I won't be able to be there either day, but you and the girls will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will catch the service on Livestream. Sending love, and hugs, and ❤🙏7/3/21
- Sharron TaftPrecious words Heather 💕❤️💕7/3/21
- Jan MarieContinued prayers and expectation that the Lord provides peace, comfort, and His provision exactly when we need it. You are loved.7/3/21
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