Processing

 8/22/2021

     I finally have a few hours to process. My last post was August 5th, and in some ways I feel like I'm still in the same place. I know that isn't the truth, but wheels are still spinning and not gaining much purchase in the seen. I am still struggling with the taxes, which should be helped by the new glasses that are awaiting my return to VA, and still in the wait for the "processor", and "gateway" to release funds to the business that were under Steve's name and at the same time waiting for my new accounts to be set up under my name. I've been in Indiana since Wednesday evening, and Kaiti is settling in. 

   When you have been walking with The Lord for any bit of time, there is one thing that seems to hold true across the board; if you are going the right direction (God's will or direction), the enemy will attempt to make a mess of things. We are 100% sure Kaiti going to Grace College, me going forward with Steve's business and figuring out my next ministry steps, Riley and Adam choosing each other and unity in the healing process and all the bumps in the road, as well as all those who are standing by us are all getting pelted by the enemy's attacks. It seems as though every step is a fight, but the biggest fight isn't with banks, other financial institutions, taxes, vehicle issues or any of those things. The biggest and hardest fight is myself. In Romans 8:6 it says: For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. There is so much that I am dealing with that are so hard and made even harder because of my raw emotional state in dealing with my loss of Steve. I have noticed that when yet another road block pops up, if I say to myself, "I can't do this", "I can't do another thing", "It's too hard",  "It's too much", "This was Steve's job", "It's not fair", and oh so many more, I start going down the rabbit hole of self pity. These feelings are all valid, some of these things feel true. The reality is I have The Lord and all of His promises are true. I can have these feelings, feel them, and then choose. Am I going to go down into the pit, where my tummy feels yucky, I am overwhelmed, I feel alone. OR Am I going to allow myself to feel those feelings and choose to set my mind on Jesus who is with me and carrying me in those moments. 

   Sometimes I feel like I am 80/20, 80 being the weight of my mind my flesh in the pit, 20 being steadfast in The Lord. Other times I think I am doing well in the battle and am at 40/60(and even glimpses of 20/80)! There have been lots of frustration and tears, and at the same time small miracles and God winks happen. The day before we left for Indiana, our jeep cover failed in the stormy wind leaving our lidless/doorless jeep with standing water. It was no match for the shop vac. So much kindness from the hard workers at the Purcellville auto wash, who extracted everything they could and gave me good advice. We were unable to pack anything in the jeep for the ride to College, so all went in my car and we followed each other to Grace College. I made another appointment with the Ziebart in Warsaw, IN. I was worried that they would take advantage of us, but God has us! They took our jeep, washed and extracted again and even took care of another issue they found and only charged me cost. I stopped in to pay on move in morning, and was mentioning how the front panels have started to leak in the heavy rain. Wouldn't God have a gentleman who knew all about that particular jeep top(he had worked on the designing end at Jeep)! He even told a story about a failed attempt when the front panels flew off. He told me exactly what I needed to do and set my mind at ease. I later came back to pick it up (they had closed during move in)with my precious nephew Connor who had come out to help Kaiti move, and they had washed, waxed and even shined up the tires for free! It was all so frustrating in the midst, but The Lord OVER ABOUNDED with His blessings as we kept focusing on Him. Why do I keep worrying and falling into the pit, when I know He has got all of this.

   It has all been such a weepy time, especially watching all the college students moving in with their daddies helping. I wanted so badly to have that for Kaiti. It was so very hard on both of us. In full transparent confession, I struggled watching other parents cry. I had to keep fighting the pity, keep fighting the jealousy and even irritation. Kaiti has three roommates in a relatively small room. Their parents were all there and all of these girls and their parents are so precious. I noticed that when I started to go down the pity road, it was like a spiritual wall was immediately put up that put a huge distance and contributed to the alone and negative feelings. But, when I shared in the joy and the difficulty together with the other parents, my transparency about what I was feeling opened a door and brought deep compassion and kindness. The truth is that every family is going through something and many much more difficult than what we are. One of the speakers this weekend kept telling all the parents to LEAN IN to the feeling, take it to God and take it to another person. Share it, feel it, even when it is so hard and then you know you aren't alone and can move forward. 

  In Griefshare, the verse we are exploring this week is Psalm 31:9-10. "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow week with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak." I know I am not the only one who can identify with what David was feeling. He felt all the hard, horrific feelings and marched them straight to The Lord! It is ok, it is good, to feel the feelings, it is what we do with them, burrow down into them, or take them to the Lord who scoops us up onto His lap and listens as we cry out, soothes and comforts us with His word for us. In the beginning of Psalm 31, he asks the Lord for his help and tells Him that he trusts Him, verse 5, because He is a faithful God. Then he pours out his heart to his Abba father as he is pouring out, he keeps going back to his trust in the Lord. As we read further in Psalm 31, we can see that David didn't stay in this place, as he spouted hurt, "but I trust You", anger, "I praise You", fear, and then at the end, he proclaims that ALL who turn to the Lord will be protected and cared for! Read all of Psalm 31 so you can see how David works this out. Whether you are going through grief in loss, hardships of any kind, remorse, whatever it may be, The Lord has given us a way to work through everything in the human experience and get to that place in Romans 8:6 in life and peace.

 Tomorrow is Steve's birthday, he has been gone two months, but I haven't heard his voice in person since May 7th. we are in deep grief and missing him so much that there is sometimes no breath.  My heart aches as Riley and Adam don't have a "normal" 3 months of marriage. I am also torn between heart ache and excitement as Kaiti starts life at Grace College over 8 hours away. I am so thankful that The Lord God has us, holds us, comforts us and is so close to us every moment through this. I am so thankful for the continued prayers and love sent to us. I am taking Kaiti to breakfast tomorrow before heading out to Steve's moms house for a few days. I will get to spend time with his mom, sister, brother, sister-in-law and nephew. A hard day for sure, but what a blessing that we have each other and we all love the Lord. 

  In Psalm 8:39, it says that God has girded us for the battle. remember that most of the battle isn't what is in front of us or the things that pop up, it is within us, the ongoing conversation we have with ourselves, the thoughts. Take them captive, that is part of the battle, be ready with the Truth, that is the sword of the battle. The Lord is so good to me, to us and to you if you focus and keep your eyes on him, the Peace that passes all worldly understanding comes. The struggle is certainly real, but I can choose to take comfort in His words for us. I know Riley and Adam are held and blessed, Kaiti is under the umbrella of His protection and abundance. Thank you Lord. 

Psalm 31

1In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

6I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,31:10 Or guilt and my bones grow weak.
11Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
15My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

21Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.

IS

 August 5th, 2021 

  Good morning! I have been up to my eyeballs in taxes for 2020 as well as a lot of financial, behind the scenes business stuff that has to be done before I can actually feel like I can dive in to the business. Kristy, the amazing organizer pulled out our homeschool whiteboard that only came with us because I was going to give it away (Isn't it funny how God provides!), and started writing down all the "to do's" that I was overwhelmed with. I have all these things on stickies, in my scheduler and on the butcher paper that is on my desk, but none of those work very well for me right now. She made two columns; Now and Soon. Well, the NOW column is so huge and the soon is also big, but it seems that everything needs to be done now before moving forward. Funny thing is that there is only so much "NOW" that can be done now! So, she directed me to circle the things that I wanted to tackle for the day and just focus on those things and erase as I go. I did write them down in my scheduler so I could remember what I did LOL! What a huge difference! Yesterday I got so much done! Of course, that list is huge again today with things that came to mind while doing all the things yesterday, but it isn't as overwhelming. God is a God of order, not of chaos. 1 Corinthians 14:33, all things should be done decently and in order. 1Corinthians 14:40, The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way. Psalm 37:23  

 I tend to be all over the place, but am most at peace when there is a framework that allows for The Lord's moving. When I take my eyes off of the mountain of things that have to be done in order to move forward(in the world, like getting through the bits of 2020 taxes), in reality, if I put my first focus on my Jesus, the mountains are already moving because my heart and spirit are at peace with Him. Things get done so quickly and so well when I am at peace in Him! Lists are shredded quickly, and, it seems that there is favor in phone calls as He strengthens me to push forward. In my strength, there are stickies everywhere and they fall and sometimes end up on the bottom of my shoe, in HIS strength, He is like the plow on the front of the truck guiding me through. 

 2 Corinthians 12:9 says: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  I was reading Streams in the Desert this morning (Aug 4th), and the writer for today had lost his young child. He was focused on this verse pleading for God's grace to be sufficient for him as he addressed not only his congregation, but himself. He looked up and noticed a framed text of this very verse that his mom had given him just days before the accident. The word MY, IS and THEE were highlighted. He immediately knew The Lord was speaking to him in saying that it was ALREADY there! He didn't have to beg or pray for His grace to be sufficient to get him through, he just needed to BELIEVE it already was! The Lord has already made His grace sufficient, it is done, it IS there, always available, I just need to choose that it is. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. There that word IS, is again. He did it, is doing it and will do it forever more. We HAVE His sufficiency to Abound, even in the darkest and hardest times. With His grace being not only sufficient, but abounding, we are able to allow Him to go before us and part the sea, plow through the mountain and keep us in His perfect peace as He is doing it. 

 I haven't had a lot of time to just grieve. There is just so much that has to be done and most of it can only be done by me (phone calls, name changes, new accounts...). I am almost to the point where others can jump in and really help me get things on track. There are moments where grief pops through when little things (that are honestly huge), like, the kindnesses of strangers on the phone, meals, prayers, notes, financial help, that the pain of loss, sadness, grief and just missing my man and missing Riley and Kaiti's daddy, pop through. Those moments here and there are where I am held and healing is happening. I don't want to be caught up in the busyness and miss the uncomfortableness of the grieving process. It will and does come out in different ways if it isn't addressed and walked through. As much as I don't like crying in the middle of doing something else, I know that it is healthy and I need to allow those feelings and then get back to what I need to do. I am so thankful for the 33 years I had with Steve, that relationship deserves the tears and time to grieve. It also deserves so much praise! Thank you Lord, for holding me through this, for all the angels you have placed here on this earth who have come around us to meet every need. His grace is sufficient for me, and, when I choose to believe it, it abounds, it heals, it propels me forward. There will be time I know, when all the past business stuff is straightened out and the groundwork is properly laid for going forth, Kaiti will be at school and things quiet down into a routine that there will be more time to reflect and truly spend time with Jesus, talking, crying and laughing with Him about Steve, the past, the dreams and future we thought we would have, and the new path that He is laying out for us. I don't look forward to that, but I know it is necessary and healing.  Will you choose to believe that He IS sufficient for you? In your storm, will you choose to shelter in Him, step out of the busy and really focus on Him? (That was preaching to myself) He loves you so much, allow Him and His grace to be sufficient. He already did it, just choose to believe in every moment, every breath.

 

Just as a side note, part of my daily goals are thank you notes. Just a few each day so I can give them proper attention. There are many on my list whom I don't even know or have contact information. I am doing my best to figure those out. I want to let you know how the monetary donations have helped since May. Many of you know that we keep our vehicles till they roll over and die. LOL. Well, since May, when Steve went into the hospital, we have had 4 tows. Your contributions have helped fix the Sequoia twice, purchased tires for the Volt (they popped), as well as covered tune up and timing belt for Riley's car while they have been without all their income. It has helped pay bills while business income stopped because Steve's name was on everything, and it will come in when the accounts are finally set up in my name with financial institutions, it just takes time and cutting through red tape. It has covered Steve's funeral expenses while we wait to see if FEMA will cover that through the COVID coverage too. I have made the decision to sell the two cars and purchase one that can be used for the vending business as well as safely go back and forth to Illinois/Indiana to see family and Kaiti at school. We have the opportunity to stay with Kristy and Steve for a year while I pay that off which is a huge praise and another thing I don't need to worry about now. A chunk of that money went directly to Kaiti's college savings account and that gives us peace and breathing room. We are so thankful for the many ways we have received love, help and encouragement from all of you. In Philemon 1:4 it says: I am always thankful to my God as I remember you in my prayers. We continue to give thanks to you in our prayers, may he bless you each abundantly and may you each live in His sufficiency with peace. Love you all.