IS

 August 5th, 2021 

  Good morning! I have been up to my eyeballs in taxes for 2020 as well as a lot of financial, behind the scenes business stuff that has to be done before I can actually feel like I can dive in to the business. Kristy, the amazing organizer pulled out our homeschool whiteboard that only came with us because I was going to give it away (Isn't it funny how God provides!), and started writing down all the "to do's" that I was overwhelmed with. I have all these things on stickies, in my scheduler and on the butcher paper that is on my desk, but none of those work very well for me right now. She made two columns; Now and Soon. Well, the NOW column is so huge and the soon is also big, but it seems that everything needs to be done now before moving forward. Funny thing is that there is only so much "NOW" that can be done now! So, she directed me to circle the things that I wanted to tackle for the day and just focus on those things and erase as I go. I did write them down in my scheduler so I could remember what I did LOL! What a huge difference! Yesterday I got so much done! Of course, that list is huge again today with things that came to mind while doing all the things yesterday, but it isn't as overwhelming. God is a God of order, not of chaos. 1 Corinthians 14:33, all things should be done decently and in order. 1Corinthians 14:40, The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way. Psalm 37:23  

 I tend to be all over the place, but am most at peace when there is a framework that allows for The Lord's moving. When I take my eyes off of the mountain of things that have to be done in order to move forward(in the world, like getting through the bits of 2020 taxes), in reality, if I put my first focus on my Jesus, the mountains are already moving because my heart and spirit are at peace with Him. Things get done so quickly and so well when I am at peace in Him! Lists are shredded quickly, and, it seems that there is favor in phone calls as He strengthens me to push forward. In my strength, there are stickies everywhere and they fall and sometimes end up on the bottom of my shoe, in HIS strength, He is like the plow on the front of the truck guiding me through. 

 2 Corinthians 12:9 says: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  I was reading Streams in the Desert this morning (Aug 4th), and the writer for today had lost his young child. He was focused on this verse pleading for God's grace to be sufficient for him as he addressed not only his congregation, but himself. He looked up and noticed a framed text of this very verse that his mom had given him just days before the accident. The word MY, IS and THEE were highlighted. He immediately knew The Lord was speaking to him in saying that it was ALREADY there! He didn't have to beg or pray for His grace to be sufficient to get him through, he just needed to BELIEVE it already was! The Lord has already made His grace sufficient, it is done, it IS there, always available, I just need to choose that it is. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. There that word IS, is again. He did it, is doing it and will do it forever more. We HAVE His sufficiency to Abound, even in the darkest and hardest times. With His grace being not only sufficient, but abounding, we are able to allow Him to go before us and part the sea, plow through the mountain and keep us in His perfect peace as He is doing it. 

 I haven't had a lot of time to just grieve. There is just so much that has to be done and most of it can only be done by me (phone calls, name changes, new accounts...). I am almost to the point where others can jump in and really help me get things on track. There are moments where grief pops through when little things (that are honestly huge), like, the kindnesses of strangers on the phone, meals, prayers, notes, financial help, that the pain of loss, sadness, grief and just missing my man and missing Riley and Kaiti's daddy, pop through. Those moments here and there are where I am held and healing is happening. I don't want to be caught up in the busyness and miss the uncomfortableness of the grieving process. It will and does come out in different ways if it isn't addressed and walked through. As much as I don't like crying in the middle of doing something else, I know that it is healthy and I need to allow those feelings and then get back to what I need to do. I am so thankful for the 33 years I had with Steve, that relationship deserves the tears and time to grieve. It also deserves so much praise! Thank you Lord, for holding me through this, for all the angels you have placed here on this earth who have come around us to meet every need. His grace is sufficient for me, and, when I choose to believe it, it abounds, it heals, it propels me forward. There will be time I know, when all the past business stuff is straightened out and the groundwork is properly laid for going forth, Kaiti will be at school and things quiet down into a routine that there will be more time to reflect and truly spend time with Jesus, talking, crying and laughing with Him about Steve, the past, the dreams and future we thought we would have, and the new path that He is laying out for us. I don't look forward to that, but I know it is necessary and healing.  Will you choose to believe that He IS sufficient for you? In your storm, will you choose to shelter in Him, step out of the busy and really focus on Him? (That was preaching to myself) He loves you so much, allow Him and His grace to be sufficient. He already did it, just choose to believe in every moment, every breath.

 

Just as a side note, part of my daily goals are thank you notes. Just a few each day so I can give them proper attention. There are many on my list whom I don't even know or have contact information. I am doing my best to figure those out. I want to let you know how the monetary donations have helped since May. Many of you know that we keep our vehicles till they roll over and die. LOL. Well, since May, when Steve went into the hospital, we have had 4 tows. Your contributions have helped fix the Sequoia twice, purchased tires for the Volt (they popped), as well as covered tune up and timing belt for Riley's car while they have been without all their income. It has helped pay bills while business income stopped because Steve's name was on everything, and it will come in when the accounts are finally set up in my name with financial institutions, it just takes time and cutting through red tape. It has covered Steve's funeral expenses while we wait to see if FEMA will cover that through the COVID coverage too. I have made the decision to sell the two cars and purchase one that can be used for the vending business as well as safely go back and forth to Illinois/Indiana to see family and Kaiti at school. We have the opportunity to stay with Kristy and Steve for a year while I pay that off which is a huge praise and another thing I don't need to worry about now. A chunk of that money went directly to Kaiti's college savings account and that gives us peace and breathing room. We are so thankful for the many ways we have received love, help and encouragement from all of you. In Philemon 1:4 it says: I am always thankful to my God as I remember you in my prayers. We continue to give thanks to you in our prayers, may he bless you each abundantly and may you each live in His sufficiency with peace. Love you all.