Processing

 8/22/2021

     I finally have a few hours to process. My last post was August 5th, and in some ways I feel like I'm still in the same place. I know that isn't the truth, but wheels are still spinning and not gaining much purchase in the seen. I am still struggling with the taxes, which should be helped by the new glasses that are awaiting my return to VA, and still in the wait for the "processor", and "gateway" to release funds to the business that were under Steve's name and at the same time waiting for my new accounts to be set up under my name. I've been in Indiana since Wednesday evening, and Kaiti is settling in. 

   When you have been walking with The Lord for any bit of time, there is one thing that seems to hold true across the board; if you are going the right direction (God's will or direction), the enemy will attempt to make a mess of things. We are 100% sure Kaiti going to Grace College, me going forward with Steve's business and figuring out my next ministry steps, Riley and Adam choosing each other and unity in the healing process and all the bumps in the road, as well as all those who are standing by us are all getting pelted by the enemy's attacks. It seems as though every step is a fight, but the biggest fight isn't with banks, other financial institutions, taxes, vehicle issues or any of those things. The biggest and hardest fight is myself. In Romans 8:6 it says: For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. There is so much that I am dealing with that are so hard and made even harder because of my raw emotional state in dealing with my loss of Steve. I have noticed that when yet another road block pops up, if I say to myself, "I can't do this", "I can't do another thing", "It's too hard",  "It's too much", "This was Steve's job", "It's not fair", and oh so many more, I start going down the rabbit hole of self pity. These feelings are all valid, some of these things feel true. The reality is I have The Lord and all of His promises are true. I can have these feelings, feel them, and then choose. Am I going to go down into the pit, where my tummy feels yucky, I am overwhelmed, I feel alone. OR Am I going to allow myself to feel those feelings and choose to set my mind on Jesus who is with me and carrying me in those moments. 

   Sometimes I feel like I am 80/20, 80 being the weight of my mind my flesh in the pit, 20 being steadfast in The Lord. Other times I think I am doing well in the battle and am at 40/60(and even glimpses of 20/80)! There have been lots of frustration and tears, and at the same time small miracles and God winks happen. The day before we left for Indiana, our jeep cover failed in the stormy wind leaving our lidless/doorless jeep with standing water. It was no match for the shop vac. So much kindness from the hard workers at the Purcellville auto wash, who extracted everything they could and gave me good advice. We were unable to pack anything in the jeep for the ride to College, so all went in my car and we followed each other to Grace College. I made another appointment with the Ziebart in Warsaw, IN. I was worried that they would take advantage of us, but God has us! They took our jeep, washed and extracted again and even took care of another issue they found and only charged me cost. I stopped in to pay on move in morning, and was mentioning how the front panels have started to leak in the heavy rain. Wouldn't God have a gentleman who knew all about that particular jeep top(he had worked on the designing end at Jeep)! He even told a story about a failed attempt when the front panels flew off. He told me exactly what I needed to do and set my mind at ease. I later came back to pick it up (they had closed during move in)with my precious nephew Connor who had come out to help Kaiti move, and they had washed, waxed and even shined up the tires for free! It was all so frustrating in the midst, but The Lord OVER ABOUNDED with His blessings as we kept focusing on Him. Why do I keep worrying and falling into the pit, when I know He has got all of this.

   It has all been such a weepy time, especially watching all the college students moving in with their daddies helping. I wanted so badly to have that for Kaiti. It was so very hard on both of us. In full transparent confession, I struggled watching other parents cry. I had to keep fighting the pity, keep fighting the jealousy and even irritation. Kaiti has three roommates in a relatively small room. Their parents were all there and all of these girls and their parents are so precious. I noticed that when I started to go down the pity road, it was like a spiritual wall was immediately put up that put a huge distance and contributed to the alone and negative feelings. But, when I shared in the joy and the difficulty together with the other parents, my transparency about what I was feeling opened a door and brought deep compassion and kindness. The truth is that every family is going through something and many much more difficult than what we are. One of the speakers this weekend kept telling all the parents to LEAN IN to the feeling, take it to God and take it to another person. Share it, feel it, even when it is so hard and then you know you aren't alone and can move forward. 

  In Griefshare, the verse we are exploring this week is Psalm 31:9-10. "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow week with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak." I know I am not the only one who can identify with what David was feeling. He felt all the hard, horrific feelings and marched them straight to The Lord! It is ok, it is good, to feel the feelings, it is what we do with them, burrow down into them, or take them to the Lord who scoops us up onto His lap and listens as we cry out, soothes and comforts us with His word for us. In the beginning of Psalm 31, he asks the Lord for his help and tells Him that he trusts Him, verse 5, because He is a faithful God. Then he pours out his heart to his Abba father as he is pouring out, he keeps going back to his trust in the Lord. As we read further in Psalm 31, we can see that David didn't stay in this place, as he spouted hurt, "but I trust You", anger, "I praise You", fear, and then at the end, he proclaims that ALL who turn to the Lord will be protected and cared for! Read all of Psalm 31 so you can see how David works this out. Whether you are going through grief in loss, hardships of any kind, remorse, whatever it may be, The Lord has given us a way to work through everything in the human experience and get to that place in Romans 8:6 in life and peace.

 Tomorrow is Steve's birthday, he has been gone two months, but I haven't heard his voice in person since May 7th. we are in deep grief and missing him so much that there is sometimes no breath.  My heart aches as Riley and Adam don't have a "normal" 3 months of marriage. I am also torn between heart ache and excitement as Kaiti starts life at Grace College over 8 hours away. I am so thankful that The Lord God has us, holds us, comforts us and is so close to us every moment through this. I am so thankful for the continued prayers and love sent to us. I am taking Kaiti to breakfast tomorrow before heading out to Steve's moms house for a few days. I will get to spend time with his mom, sister, brother, sister-in-law and nephew. A hard day for sure, but what a blessing that we have each other and we all love the Lord. 

  In Psalm 8:39, it says that God has girded us for the battle. remember that most of the battle isn't what is in front of us or the things that pop up, it is within us, the ongoing conversation we have with ourselves, the thoughts. Take them captive, that is part of the battle, be ready with the Truth, that is the sword of the battle. The Lord is so good to me, to us and to you if you focus and keep your eyes on him, the Peace that passes all worldly understanding comes. The struggle is certainly real, but I can choose to take comfort in His words for us. I know Riley and Adam are held and blessed, Kaiti is under the umbrella of His protection and abundance. Thank you Lord. 

Psalm 31

1In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

6I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,31:10 Or guilt and my bones grow weak.
11Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
15My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.

21Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.

IS

 August 5th, 2021 

  Good morning! I have been up to my eyeballs in taxes for 2020 as well as a lot of financial, behind the scenes business stuff that has to be done before I can actually feel like I can dive in to the business. Kristy, the amazing organizer pulled out our homeschool whiteboard that only came with us because I was going to give it away (Isn't it funny how God provides!), and started writing down all the "to do's" that I was overwhelmed with. I have all these things on stickies, in my scheduler and on the butcher paper that is on my desk, but none of those work very well for me right now. She made two columns; Now and Soon. Well, the NOW column is so huge and the soon is also big, but it seems that everything needs to be done now before moving forward. Funny thing is that there is only so much "NOW" that can be done now! So, she directed me to circle the things that I wanted to tackle for the day and just focus on those things and erase as I go. I did write them down in my scheduler so I could remember what I did LOL! What a huge difference! Yesterday I got so much done! Of course, that list is huge again today with things that came to mind while doing all the things yesterday, but it isn't as overwhelming. God is a God of order, not of chaos. 1 Corinthians 14:33, all things should be done decently and in order. 1Corinthians 14:40, The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way. Psalm 37:23  

 I tend to be all over the place, but am most at peace when there is a framework that allows for The Lord's moving. When I take my eyes off of the mountain of things that have to be done in order to move forward(in the world, like getting through the bits of 2020 taxes), in reality, if I put my first focus on my Jesus, the mountains are already moving because my heart and spirit are at peace with Him. Things get done so quickly and so well when I am at peace in Him! Lists are shredded quickly, and, it seems that there is favor in phone calls as He strengthens me to push forward. In my strength, there are stickies everywhere and they fall and sometimes end up on the bottom of my shoe, in HIS strength, He is like the plow on the front of the truck guiding me through. 

 2 Corinthians 12:9 says: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  I was reading Streams in the Desert this morning (Aug 4th), and the writer for today had lost his young child. He was focused on this verse pleading for God's grace to be sufficient for him as he addressed not only his congregation, but himself. He looked up and noticed a framed text of this very verse that his mom had given him just days before the accident. The word MY, IS and THEE were highlighted. He immediately knew The Lord was speaking to him in saying that it was ALREADY there! He didn't have to beg or pray for His grace to be sufficient to get him through, he just needed to BELIEVE it already was! The Lord has already made His grace sufficient, it is done, it IS there, always available, I just need to choose that it is. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says: And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. There that word IS, is again. He did it, is doing it and will do it forever more. We HAVE His sufficiency to Abound, even in the darkest and hardest times. With His grace being not only sufficient, but abounding, we are able to allow Him to go before us and part the sea, plow through the mountain and keep us in His perfect peace as He is doing it. 

 I haven't had a lot of time to just grieve. There is just so much that has to be done and most of it can only be done by me (phone calls, name changes, new accounts...). I am almost to the point where others can jump in and really help me get things on track. There are moments where grief pops through when little things (that are honestly huge), like, the kindnesses of strangers on the phone, meals, prayers, notes, financial help, that the pain of loss, sadness, grief and just missing my man and missing Riley and Kaiti's daddy, pop through. Those moments here and there are where I am held and healing is happening. I don't want to be caught up in the busyness and miss the uncomfortableness of the grieving process. It will and does come out in different ways if it isn't addressed and walked through. As much as I don't like crying in the middle of doing something else, I know that it is healthy and I need to allow those feelings and then get back to what I need to do. I am so thankful for the 33 years I had with Steve, that relationship deserves the tears and time to grieve. It also deserves so much praise! Thank you Lord, for holding me through this, for all the angels you have placed here on this earth who have come around us to meet every need. His grace is sufficient for me, and, when I choose to believe it, it abounds, it heals, it propels me forward. There will be time I know, when all the past business stuff is straightened out and the groundwork is properly laid for going forth, Kaiti will be at school and things quiet down into a routine that there will be more time to reflect and truly spend time with Jesus, talking, crying and laughing with Him about Steve, the past, the dreams and future we thought we would have, and the new path that He is laying out for us. I don't look forward to that, but I know it is necessary and healing.  Will you choose to believe that He IS sufficient for you? In your storm, will you choose to shelter in Him, step out of the busy and really focus on Him? (That was preaching to myself) He loves you so much, allow Him and His grace to be sufficient. He already did it, just choose to believe in every moment, every breath.

 

Just as a side note, part of my daily goals are thank you notes. Just a few each day so I can give them proper attention. There are many on my list whom I don't even know or have contact information. I am doing my best to figure those out. I want to let you know how the monetary donations have helped since May. Many of you know that we keep our vehicles till they roll over and die. LOL. Well, since May, when Steve went into the hospital, we have had 4 tows. Your contributions have helped fix the Sequoia twice, purchased tires for the Volt (they popped), as well as covered tune up and timing belt for Riley's car while they have been without all their income. It has helped pay bills while business income stopped because Steve's name was on everything, and it will come in when the accounts are finally set up in my name with financial institutions, it just takes time and cutting through red tape. It has covered Steve's funeral expenses while we wait to see if FEMA will cover that through the COVID coverage too. I have made the decision to sell the two cars and purchase one that can be used for the vending business as well as safely go back and forth to Illinois/Indiana to see family and Kaiti at school. We have the opportunity to stay with Kristy and Steve for a year while I pay that off which is a huge praise and another thing I don't need to worry about now. A chunk of that money went directly to Kaiti's college savings account and that gives us peace and breathing room. We are so thankful for the many ways we have received love, help and encouragement from all of you. In Philemon 1:4 it says: I am always thankful to my God as I remember you in my prayers. We continue to give thanks to you in our prayers, may he bless you each abundantly and may you each live in His sufficiency with peace. Love you all.

 

July 21, 2021 Wednesday, Service Links

 Good morning, so much going on that it is difficult to break off and write what is on my heart. I am deep into all the bits and pieces that need to be done (and can't be done by others), when your spouse gets the winning lottery ticket to heaven. I exhort each of you to stop and take the time to be sure your spouse or the person who will be tying up the loose ends after you pass has everything lined up. Sounds morbid and sad, but it is honoring to those whom you leave behind and it is God honoring to live your life humbly, not knowing if you have tomorrow. This includes preparing for your last day, having passwords in a safe place, for married couples that both names are on everything and businesses set so they can be easily passed down/sold or dissolved. Steve would be so very sad at the crazy amount of red tape that I am going through. His heart was never to burden, and he was living very much in the present, especially since the pandemic with just surviving and meeting bills. He always thought he had tomorrow to do all the things that were seemingly not as important in the today.  This all being said, My God, is a Great and Gracious God! He is a God of provision and has provided for me in every step. I am so thankful! Through this He is helping me become stronger and more capable in handling things I never thought I would need to handle. 

 I have a few thoughts from the past few days that I wanted to share. Sunday was our 29th anniversary. I went to my church, Purcellville Baptist, cried, laughed, hugged, shared, prayed, then I went to The Victory House for the last service for our precious Kindle who has poured so deeply into Kaitlyn over the years, as she leaves with her husband on mission to South Africa. There was more crying, laughing, sharing, hugging and praying. This is a picture of healthy grieving to me. It is exhausting and a blessing , draining and filling all at the same time. This is healing.  (Disclaimer Alert!!! Grieving is very personal and looks different for each person, I in no way am judging anyone else's journey, I am just processing and finding my own way through the grieving process. ) After coming home, Kaiti and I ended up on our comfy couches binge watching till bed time.  This isn't a normal thing for me, I am not a huge TV watcher and I am finding more and more that these "escapes" are not escapes at all, but a lie. It is all empty and everything is still there and for me it felt darker when I went to bed. In James 4:17  it says: So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.  The entire time I was on that comfy couch, I knew that instead of feeling oppressed and honestly depressed, I should have been doing something honoring, to Steve, to God, to myself and my girls.  It didn't feel healthy, it didn't feel healing. Even though I liked the show itself, one or two episodes would have been good, some down time, a little vegging out, but, going for hours was not , For ME, healthy. I find that when I look back, I have a history of procrastination and avoidance. It has been something I have worked on through Unbound ministry and I think that is why in my spirit, I had such a hard time with the choice I made for my Sunday afternoon. 

 Monday morning I woke up and I immediately thought, "Why didn't I grab Kaiti and Riley and go for an adventure in the Jeep??? That would have been honoring to Steve because he loved the doors and jeep top off adventure time, honoring to the three of us, God honoring, AND HEALING!"  Sometimes, I get so aggravated with myself for not thinking of things till it is too late. It wasn't too late though! Tuesday morning, Kaiti and I went to West Virginia for a jeep ride, then went to Frederick and had a lovely lunch with Riley. That FELT so much better than the spirit of oppression and depression to overtake me. That was stepping into something hard, going on an adventure without Steve in his jeep, and being blessed by the beauty of His creation, the beauty of togetherness, the beauty of the freedom of the openness in the jeep Steve loved.  Hard and good all at the same time. Healing. Jehovah Rophe, our healer, healer of our hearts, our spirits, our body. The Holy Spirit was telling me to make a different choice and I didn't listen. Praise God His mercies are new every morning and He flooded me with His peace and healing as I confessed my avoidance and choice to not do something life giving. While sitting on the comfy couch, watching the shows, I wasn't totally present to what I was watching. My mind was allowed to go wherever it wanted, I wasn't capturing negative and unhealthy thoughts and turning them to God. I was allowing myself to spiral deeper into despair. Sadness is ok, but despair is not.  2Corinthians 4:7-10 says: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  Despair isn't from God, that feeling is from the enemy, Steve is with The Lord in Triumph! We, as believers will be together for an eternity, our life here is but a breath, a whisper, a vapor. My hope isn't crushed, I am not abandoned. I stand upon the Rock, Jesus, my savior. This is a painful and hard time, He is my healer and provider and through Him, we are more than conquerors. 

 I have to choose to flip the script in my brain. The battlefield is in the mind. I have Jesus, I have the truth, now I have to battle in my mind between worldly thought and Godly truth. I can allow myself to be crushed by thoughts that Steve isn't with me and I won't ever see him again and hide by avoidance and withdraw from others, or, do the harder thing by reaching out, sharing, hugging, crying and STANDING on the truth that we will be together again. I can get lost in the minutia of all of the business dealings and feel overwhelmed and defeated, or, I can flip the script and see that once the minutia is taken care of, there is Great opportunity in growing Steve's business and walking along other small business owners helping them in their business! I can live in a dark place of "only a month and then Kaiti is gone", which is an unhealthy binding to each other, OR, I can celebrate who she is and is becoming and release her in joy(with tears to be sure) to her new adventure and mission field. I can be in worry over all the stress and pressure that Riley and Adam have on them in their new marriage, or I can pray, trust and support them in their walk. Just like while Steve was sick, I chose to be in joyful expectation of what God could do each and every day, and even though God did not heal him the way I wanted Him to, I had His peace and blessings in the journey through Him directly and so very abundantly through so many of you. Even though Steve won that lottery ticket to heaven, I refuse to be in the place of blame and finger pointing, which are both robbers of peace and healing. I am so blessed by the conviction of The Holy Spirit, to choose higher and better thoughts and so thankful that The Lord put Unbound Ministry in my path to help me get rid of the lies I was believing about myself, really work on seeing my disobedience and sin and forgiving those who had hurt me deeply in my past. I was able to see how those hurts and traumas really formed my thought life and has helped me to capture every thought, choosing truth over lies and not allowing those thoughts to hang out and set up camp in my mind and spirit. 

 Friends, be intentional about thinking about what you are thinking about. Capture your thoughts, bring them to the light be saying them out loud or writing them down. Compare them to what The Word says. As you reflect on those thoughts you can throw out and refuse to partner with those thoughts that are lies ever again. This is where healing, peace and freedom come in. I have said before that there is a study that 80% of our thoughts are negative, of those 95% are repetitive! When you're free in Jesus, these diminish and you are able to see lies for the truth and can cast them out much quicker!

  I have shared before my disobedience for over 10 years in journaling. I have copied all of these journal entries into the original blog that I started 10 years ago.  I hope that you will join me there: https://grabbingontothepromises.blogspot.com/

 Here is the link to Steve's Night of Worship and Remembrance:  https://youtu.be/NJ4GvvQHAtY

 Here is the link to Steve's Memorial Service at PBC: https://youtu.be/KXv_DTfH684

Love to you all and we can't thank you enough for all the prayers, meals, donations, love, notes, memories written down and pictures sent that have surrounded and held us so tightly.  I pray you are each blessed in all your comings and goings in Jesus name. 

July 3, 2021 Fears

 

July 3, 2021

Journal Entry by Heather Ruments — July 3, 2021

 Fears. I know that many struggle with them. I have had one on the back burner for almost two weeks now. It is amazing how heavy a back burner fear/burden can be till you address it. This may seem silly, but I have been fearful of looking for things. As most of you know, most of our belongings are in storage, wrapped on pallets and inaccessible. We hadn't originally packed with storage in mind, so when the decision was made to not move to the sweet town home in Winchester, it took re-thinking and re-organizing. This is a big job on its own, but with Steve in the hospital and my time split between him and life outside the hospital, it was crazy trying to think what I may need/want over the next 6 months. I have been unable to find the business notebook I started when Steve was admitted and his vacation fedora. I didn't know if they accidentally got sent to storage or if they were with me. I was fearful to look, seems silly, but if I didn't look, there was the possibility that they were here. If I looked and I didn't find them, then I would have a bunch of backtracking work figuring out all that was in the notebook. If I looked and didn't find it, then I wouldn't have Steve's vacation hat. Silly, but I really wanted that hat at his memorial. He always loved hats. Ball caps from his favorite teams, Life Is Good hats and Christian hats, of course, his vacation fedoras. These fill literally boxes. I told the story in another update of the box we found of ball caps in a box, each wrapped with packing paper, yet dusty from sitting on display. He still cracks me up. 
  I knew I really needed the notebook, stat. I knew that I needed to find that hat, or I would need to Amazon a new one (not the same, but at least a representation). Time was running out. I keep singing Jireh by Maverick City. "Jireh, You are enough. I will be content in every circumstance." These words keep washing over me and I decided that it was ok if I did not find these things because He is enough, no matter what. I am loved, protected and provided for. I dove into boxes, honestly, many were out anyway because I was looking for pictures for the memorial service and a sweet friend was helping me put them together. I found the notebook almost right away, right on the top, so funny, if I had just taken the next step in faith two weeks ago, I would have had it in my hand all this time. I would have had so much less stress and striving because of the information was right there. Ugh, this school of faith, sometimes I feel like I am acing it and other times like I am barely passing by the skin of my teeth(this is another thing I was pondering yesterday, do teeth have skin? Gross!). Well, with this success under my belt, a few hours later, I decided to just do it. I pulled out all the boxes out of storage, all my fall clothes, Kaiti's college boxes, and then Steve's stuff. When Kristy figured out what I was doing, she left poolside to dive in with me. I had just said out loud, "It can't be in those boxes, it would be mushed." Not a second later she told me that the box was labeled hats. She opened the box that my sweet friends had packed so carefully and she produced all three of his vacation fedoras as well as all his favorite ball caps, team shirts and jerseys. They were there all along. I just needed to seek.
 Friends, I was carrying around a burden I didn't need to carry. I was afraid to seek. I was afraid of the answer, so I carried it instead of addressing it. Even if the answer was that these things were in storage, that would have been ok too, because, once we know, we can deal with it and the truth is that Jesus cares about these little details of our lives that are weighing us down and preventing us from moving forward. I put too much importance on the finding of these things instead of on my provider. I didn't even hand those things over to Him to help me walk through. He said to bring Everything to Him, hand it over, surrender it. He said that we were not meant or created to carry burdens, fears, worries, but Jesus was. He carried it all to the cross. We were not meant to keep holding on to the things that He already took for us, if a plumber came for FREE to fix a broken pipe, why would keep the broken and leaking pipe back and live with the damage it causes?
  So funny, once I started to step forward, giving my fear to Him and Jesus giving me courage to keep going forward, it was like dominoes. I found the notebook, I found the fedora, I found shirts and hats that I didn't realize were burdening me. I was then encouraged and strengthened by a phone call with the parent company of Steve's franchise, and I also received a phone call from someone (financial), who encouraged me to stay the course, I would be just fine after the next couple months of reclaiming territory lost not only through the pandemic, but also through the last two months of Steve not working his business. 
  In the book of Joshua, The Lord keeps reminding Joshua to be courageous. Through everything, Joshua trusted, and kept seeking The Lord. It says in Jeremiah 29:13 Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.  I love the Amplified version here because we need to seek Him as a child with deep longing. In John 6:68 Simon Peter asks Jesus “Lord, to whom shall we go?"  There is nowhere else we can go to find peace, courage, faith and everlasting life. Lord, give me a hunger for You, in my every day, nothing else will satisfy, especially through this valley. Only You can give me peace in the chaos, comfort in the pain, and new mercies in the face of loss. Only You Jesus can soothe my weary spirit, in Isaiah 40:31 it says: but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Thank You Lord for lifting us up and giving us strength for another day. You not only give us strength to "get through" the day, but you are abundant in giving us more than what we need or ask for. This is not a journey that I ever wanted to be on, I miss Steve with my every fiber. His quiet sweet ways of loving on us girls, always so thoughtful. We were never much for celebrating created "holidays", but it was the everyday, out of the blue loving gestures that were the threads that wove us all so tightly together. Family vacations, my coffee, notes left for us, his joy in being with us, sweet, small things, that were so very big in our hearts that we miss so much. 
  We have this hope that Jesus gave us, that this life is but a breath, a whisper, and we will all be together again. This next gathering will be so amazing! No pain, no suffering, no tears, no sinful nature. Total freedom, joy and love. I am so blessed to see glimpses of heaven in many of you. Beautiful messages, cards, provision financially to cover loss of income, worry about Kaiti's college and even being able to help Riley & Adam in their loss of income and his recovery, an amazing arrival of beautiful pictures of our family on canvas (thank you to the unknown angel who sent them!), prayers that keep us going and so many offers to help. We are so thankful. The Lord is holding us and he is also holding us through all of you.
 The three of us are fearful of Monday and Tuesday, those are days of reality. We aren't ready. It will be hard and nobody likes hard. At the very same time we Praise God for His Hope and blessed assurance of life everlasting is secured in Jesus. We come together Monday evening to Praise Him, Praise Him for Steve's life and the beauty of Jesus through Steve. We come together to share Steve stories, to mourn and take joy at the same time. We will be singing and worshipping and then time with a microphone if you would like to share. If you don't feel comfortable at the microphone, we will have cards available for you to write. We would be so very blessed to hear and read your stories. There will also be time to share at the luncheon on Tuesday after the service if you feel led. I think I will be wearing Steve's college jersey on Monday and celebratory colors on Tuesday. Steve has graduated, he has run his race for The Lord well. Let us all go forth and run the race The Lord has for us, that is where His presence is. That is where I want to be. Love you all. <3 

 

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Comments

• Sandy Stein : Thanks for these words of encouragement. You may never know how much the Lord has been using you throughout all this valley you have been walking through, and all the hearts you have ministered too even in the midst of your own pain~ sorrow~ and fear. You are a good and faithful servant, and an awesome witness/instrument for God's glory. I won't be able to be there either day, but you and the girls will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will catch the service on Livestream. Sending love, and hugs, and ❤🙏
  ••7/3/21
• Sharron Taft : Precious words Heather 💕❤️💕
  ••7/3/21
• Jan Marie : Continued prayers and expectation that the Lord provides peace, comfort, and His provision exactly when we need it. You are loved.
  ••7/3/21

June 29, 2021 Busyness

 

June 29, 2021 Tuesday evening

Journal Entry by Heather Ruments — June 29, 2021

 Busyness. In Luke 10:40 Jesus addresses busyness. "But Martha was ·busy [worried; distracted] with ·all the work to be done." Her sister Mary had sat right down at Jesus' feet to listen, Martha was doing good things preparing a meal for The Lord, but, Jesus clearly says that Mary had chosen better. As a week has gone by without Steve, I find myself in the busyness of changing the name and addresses on bills, phone calls and emails to the emergency room in South Carolina, insurance of all kind and wondering if I brought something with me or is that something wrapped up on pallets in deep storage. These things wake me up, the to do lists, the uh oh's where is that, and I better remember such and such tomorrow. Busyness. The things I am doing are all necessary and really can't be given to another to take care of. They need to be done, but where is the peace. Am I putting Jesus first? Well, the answer is obviously no. Peace lies in sitting at the feet of Jesus. 

 I was vacuuming (otherwise known as avoiding what I was supposed to be doing) and I noticed on the top of my little stick vac, there was a button that said, "clean filter monthly". Well, we have had this stick vacuum for almost two years and it was the first time I had notice it! I had dutifully emptied the dust cup, cleaned the hair off the roller and always made sure nothing was stuck that would lessen the suction. So, I carefully opened it and black dust went everywhere! There was a large sponge thing and then filters underneath and the directions were to wash them monthly, dry and put them back OR the vacuum would lose suction. As I read that amidst the gross black dust, I got a feeling that The Lord wanted me to explore that a bit.

The "things" I had been focused on before Steve got sick was a lot of work. I loved all of my jobs, but it was too much. I had no time with my family nor The Lord, and I was very dry and distant from Him when Steve got sick. Through Steve's hospitalization, I pressed into The Lord and his word and worship. I surrounded myself AS I was doing what needed to be done. I wasn't doing what needed to be done and fitting The Lord in. I noticed in the past few days, I have been doing it backwards yet again. Even after the last 7 weeks of being hemmed in by The Lord, held, cared for, filled with peace, protected and provided for. I forgot. I stepped away. Busyness. How could it possibly be after all he has done for me, for my family that I could get it all mixed up. I have said many times that through this, His word is often my breath, I have been at such a place of total reliance on Him, I couldn't breathe without Him, I relied very heavily on listening to scripture and the pauses between scriptures was like holding my breath.

I have been running around "vacuuming", bills, unpacking boxes, funeral arrangements, time with my girls, getting loved on by friends and family. We are so blessed, these are all good and necessary! The problem is that I was running around DOING and I wasn't sitting at Jesus' feet first. My filter got clogged getting my to do's done and my "suction" wasn't 100%. I was fitting Jesus in instead of breathing in synch with Him like I had been doing while Steve was hospitalized. Then, I was vacuuming Jesus, my suction (my absorption and understanding and peace) was at 100%, I needed nothing. Jehovah Jireh. He is enough. I need to live in that blessed place of total reliance, filling myself with His word and worship through my day as the air I breathe and all the other things that need done, will fall into place without striving, stress, fear or weariness. 

I cleaned out those filters, the dirty stuff of the world came out in the water. I knelt at His feet and confessed, He already knew. He washed me clean and picked me back up again. He also sent me an extraordinary exhorter later that day. An exhorter is like an encourager, but SO much better! An encourager makes you feel great, but an exhorter, does that and kicks you in the pants propelling you forward. It sometimes stings a little bit, but deep inside in your spirit, you know they are saying exactly what you already know. Exhorter, you need to have one in your life. I am so blessed. 

A lot of this busyness is avoidance. I am really good at that. Plunge myself in and get it done. I don't want to avoid. The other day, Riley was so precious, she stopped at a big store and found a devotion that caught her eye. There were two, so she bought them thinking we could do them together every night. As we did the first night, she said that we needed a third for when Kaiti goes to school so we can continue. I told her that I would order Kaiti one before then and we all went to bed. The next morning, a sweet friend of Kaiti's came bearing gifts from Kaiti's coworkers. The first thing Kaiti saw was that very same devotion! I'm going to cry, again. The Lord hears us, knows us, loves us. That was a huge God wink. Riley had just said it the night before, and it appeared the next morning. When I am in a place of busyness and avoidance, I miss those beautiful touches from The Lord. I am so thankful that all three of us witnessed it together. He loves us so much and is grieving right along with us and at the same time rejoicing in Steve's homecoming. I don't want to miss anything He is doing. I don't want any of you to miss what He is doing. Stop, ask The Lord to turn your heart and breath to Him. Ask to be like Mary at Jesus' feet, vacuuming up EVERYTHING he has for you with a clean filter so you have 100% suction and absorb everything He has for you!

Here is a link to Steve's obituary, I will also post on facebook. I want you to know that family vacation was SO important to him. Please do not cancel family vacations! Family is everything, minister and love on your families. If you can't make it to the Virginia service, it will be live-streamed, we can gather at another time. We want to celebrate a life well-lived in The Lord. He very much disliked suits and ties. He loved his jeep, Life is Good T-shirts, sports shirts and hats and his vacation fedora. Please feel free to dress accordingly. 😊 Love you all, have a blessed week this week. I'll update as The Lord tells me.

https://www.hallfh.com/obituaries/Stephen-Steve-Anthony-Ruments?obId=21553903#/obituaryInfo

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• Jeannine Santo Zupo : I continue to be so inspired by you and thank you for this beautiful message that I needed and shared with Francesca. She has agreed to do Unbound here in Chicago too! Please know the God winks you share, become God winks for us as well. God is so amazing and knows exactly what we all need. Thank you for being obedient and sending messages of faith and hope to all of us. It’s God’s way of perpetuating peace and hope and love. My continued prayers as you celebrate Steve’s life in Virginia on the day Debbie went to be with the Lord. No coincidence. Love you.
  ••7/1/21
• Webb Melanie : I just love you so much! ❤️ ❤️😘
  ••6/30/21
• Patrice Smith : So beautifuly written Heather. Your words encourage and exhort!
  ••6/30/21
• Niki Mattson : Heather - thank you for this - I can relate! The Lord often brings Matthew 6:33 to me when I have a lot on my mind and plate: "But first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." The Mattson and Mosaic Virginia families continue to pray for you and your girls - we love you. ❤️
  ••6/30/21
• Sheila Embrey : Thank you for sharing that Word today, I needed it! God bless you, dear, I love your writing. What a gift from the Lord! Praying for you all during this season... for His peace that surpasses all understanding and His provision for all your needs. He is faithful! ❤
  ••6/30/21
• Nicole Horsch : Keep writing❤️ The obituary is perfect❤️
  ••6/30/21
• Victoria Mizerak : I love you Heather! Thank you for your writings. They are so full of wonderful teaching.❤️🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
  ••6/30/21
• Jacquelynn Sutphin : You continue to inspire and amaze me. I pray for you and the girls daily and hope you know how much we care. I am surely surprised that my middle name is not Martha! I am pretty good at vacuuming the time away. Even though Jesus is not the bottom of the list (reserved for diet, exercise and cleaning) he is not the top either and I am convicted each time I read that passage. Lifting you up and ready to get busy whenever you need help😄❤❤❤
  ••6/29/21
• Sandy Stein : Love this. I feel it has exhorted me. Thanks for sharing.❤️🙏
  ••6/29/21